Couples Counseling
“So, what seems to be the problem?” Helen asked the young couple seated in her office.
“He’s a cheater!” replied Amy. She was very short woman, about 5 feet, with a thin physique and mousey brown hair. “I’ve caught him three times, and I’ve just about had it.”
The psychiatrist, a tall, red haired woman in her mid 30s, gazed down at the man with contempt. “Is this true?” asked Helen with a seething tone.”
“So what if it is?” Grouched Frank, a tall, muscular man with wavy blonde hair. “Aren’t I allowed to sow my wild oats? We not married yet. What of it?”
“Frank, we’re going to be married in three weeks! I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” sobbed Amy, as Frank remained stony faced with indifference.
“Neither can I, Frank. Clearly you haven’t been honoring your commitment to your future wife,” Helen said with disgust.
“Don’t give me all that feminist bullshit, Helen.” Frank spat. “I didn’t even want to be here.”
“And yet, here you are. And please, it’s Dr. Swanson,” Helen said, but she it was clear that Frank wasn’t listening. “Amy, when you scheduled this meeting, I warned you this might happen. We are going to have to go right to the intensive treatment.”
“I don’t want any treatment from you, bitch.” Frank taunted, but Helen’s only reply was a tight lipped smile.
“That’s going to cost him dearly in a minute,” Helen thought to herself. Frank had been right about one thing: Helen was an ardent feminist. He was about to find out just how seriously she took it.
“Both of you, listen to the sound of my voice and relax.” At the sound of Helen’s command, they both immediately slumped in their chairs. Helen smiled – they were totally hers now.
“You will close your eyes, and do what I say,” she began. “Frank, I want you to think about your height. You’re currently about six feet tall, and you like that. You are, quite literally, looked up to by other guys, and your height makes you attractive to lots of women, doesn’t it?”
Frank’s only response was a small nod. “Ok, Frank, imagine feeling all of that height leave your body and enter the body of your fiancé. Inch by inch, I want your body to shrink and Amy’s body to grow. Think of that for me.” As she spoke, she could see the transformation happening before her eyes. Frank was getting shorter and Amy was getting taller. Even their clothes were changing along with them. She had thought about making them the same height, but remembered how Frank and called her a bitch, and transferred even more height.
“Good, Frank. Good. Now Amy, you’ve always had mousy brown hair that you haven’t had much luck with, am I right? Won’t stay the way you’d like it, doesn’t respond well to dyes, especially blonde treatment?” Amy responded with the same dull nod.
“Alright, Frank has a nice head of hair. Blonde, full of body, and wavy…I bet the women he picks up at bars are always asking to touch it and play with it. Doesn’t that make you mad, Amy? Doesn’t it make you angry to think of some young tramp running her fingers through your man’s locks?” Amy nodded again, this time more vigorously.
“Let’s fix that. Frank, let’s give Amy your gorgeous blonde main, and you can have Amy’s plain hair.” The styles and length remained the same, but their hair switched.
“Finally, let’s give Amy just a tad of that muscle tone – Frank, there’s no need for you to look like a tough guy. Being short and a bit weaker looking is just right for a man like you.”
“Now, on the count of three, I’d like you to open your eyes and forget everything I’ve just told you,” Helen instructed. She liked wiping their memories right before she woke them, as it gave her a chance to see that wonderful shocked look on their faces as they witnessed the changes.
“What’s going on? What happened?” Amy said as she suddenly noticed the changes. “On my God…I’m tall! I must be five foot ten!” She pulled out a small pocket mirror. “Wow, with this hair and this body, I could be a model.”
“What the hell is going on?” Frank demanded. “What did you do to us? I don’t like being a short guy,” he pouted.
“Maybe you should have thought of that,” Helen started, “before you treated Amy so badly.”
Frank started to swing a punch at Helen, but Amy reacted quickly and effortlessly batted his arm out of the way.
“Not strong anymore, are you Frank? I’m sure all this tone I’ve got must have come straight from you. Wow, you’re pathetic – you really are! I can’t imagine young tramps are going to be fawning over you now, huh?”
“You people are sick!” Frank cried as he stomped out of room, trying to avoid tears. Amy, on the other hand, was crying tears of joy as she ran into Helens arms to give her a hug.
“Oh, Doctor, it’s everything you promised and more! Thank you so much!”
“I’m always glad to have a satisfied client, Amy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another appointment coming up.
~
“What’s exactly going on here?” Helen asked as she surveyed the pair on the sofa. Peggy and Craig Thompson were brother and sister, and from their crossed arms and scowls, Helen could tell they were furious at each other.
“Craig’s always been a first class jerk to me. When we were little, he’d always sneak into my room and break my dolls. When we were in high school, he’d make fun of me in front of the other kids for my weight. And these days, he humiliates me at family gatherings for the fact that I haven’t been nearly as successful as him,” Peggy explained.
“Hey, it’s not my fault that I’m the VP of a major corporation and you’re a cleaning lady,” Craig bragged. “And it’s certainly not my fault that you can’t keep your paws out of the ice cream carton,” he said as he prodded Peggy’s big belly.
“You got all the genes for the fast metabolism – it’s not fair. You eat just as much as me, maybe more! And I work hard at my job, I deserve some respect,” Peggy demanded.
“Like that’s going to happen. I only came here just to humor Mom. Honestly, if we haven’t gotten along after over 30 years, we just aren’t going to. You’re just going to have to find some way to accept the fact that I’m always going to be better and more successful than you, Piggy.” Craig chided snidely.
“Well, let’s see about that,” Helen began. “I want you to close your eyes and listen to my voice. You’re going to make some changes, some permanent changes to your lives. Craig, I’d like you to think about your life and your lifestyle. You’re a powerful executive with a major corporation. I want you to imagine those attributes transferring to your sister. Peggy, don’t you think you deserve your brother’s success, your brother’s life? I think you do.” Both of them nodded. Their lives altered, as did their clothes. Craig’s pinstripe business suit faded, and was replaced with the stained, worn rags of a janitor. Peggy’s ugly maid’s uniform faded and stretched into a posh looking pantsuit. Her fingers became professionally manicured, her neck received a string of pearls, and diamond earring popped into her lobes.
“Now, let’s change your metabolism. I think Peggy deserves some of those fast metabolizing genes, don’t you?” Peggy started nodding and her dumpy looking, heavy figure shrank and became slimmer. She was still curvy, but now her cellulite was gone and her figure had become a stunning hourglass. Her breasts become firmer and less saggy, and her tummy shrank. Craig’s figure, on the other hand, became much heavier. Even under his work clothes, it was obvious he was getting a bit of a pot belly and some fallen pectorals.
“Awaken, brother and sister, and be surprised at your new lots in life,” Helen commanded, and the two opened their eyes to their new forms.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Craig demanded. Why am I dressed like this? And what did you do to Piggy over here, give her liposuction?”
“Oh, I’d say that nickname fits you better than her now, wouldn’t you say?” Helen asked rhetorically.
“No way!” Craig demanded. “I’m not some fat lazy janitor. I’m the VP of a fortune 500 company. I’m dating an executive secretary named Yvonne! I’m a success!”
“No, not anymore,” Peggy said. “It’s just like Dr. Helen promised. I have your life now, brother…” Peggy said as the new memories started to flood into her mind. “I’m the one with the great looks and the lighting metabolism. I’m the fortune 500 VP. And…” she paused for a moment as a smile overtook her face. “I’m the one dating Yvonne now.”
“My little sister is taking my girlfriend? Fat chance!” Craig sputtered.
“Fat chance indeed, Craig. What would she see in you now? She only dated you for your looks, your money, and your success. Those things belong to me now – as does that blonde little minx. I bet I’ll even make her more satisfied than she ever was with you.”
“That’s my girl,” Helen said as she gave her a high five. “Craig, you’re never going to amount to anything ever again. You’ll be fat, lazy and poor, and you’ll be lucky if you can find any woman to date you. But don’t fret. If you are nice to your sister, maybe she can set you up with Yvonne’s ugly older sister.” Both women laughed. “Now get, both of you. I’ve got one more appointment left before it’s officially the weekend for me.”
~
“So, what’s got the two of you fuming?” Helen asked the young couple.
“He…he…he…wants to leave me,” Samantha stammered. “I just can’t, can’t…let that happen, Doctor,” said the young woman in front of him. She wore an unflattering polka dot dress and thick black glasses.
“We’re through, Sam. Come on. You’re lucky I spent so much time with you in the first place. I only dated you because you offered to do my calculus homework in college. Now that’s done – what good are you to me? I could have any woman I want. Why would I choose out a plain little nerd like you?” Asked Joe, a suave looking young man wearing perfectly coifed hair and a designer suit.
“You…you see? Please do something,” Samantha sobbed. “He’s the only one that would ever love…love me. He can’t leave.”
“Very well. I think we can fix this situation,” Helen began. “Close your eyes, both of you. Listen to what I say. Joe, you’ve spent a lot of time on your looks, is that right? I think Samantha told me on the phone you’ve even worked as a model for men’s suits. I’d like all of that fashion sense and focus to shift over to Samantha. All of your confidence and poise should belong to her. You can take her insecurities, her focuses…and her stammer.” Both of them started nodding, and Joe’s suit changed into corduroy pants and suspenders, while Samantha’s plain dress changed into a blue gown and her hair billowed over her shoulders.
“Now, forget what I’ve told you and open your eyes,” said Helen.
“What…what have you done?” Joe asked, with Samantha’s verbal tic.
“Just re-arranged some things,” Helen said knowingly.
“Wow! Look at these clothes!” Samantha exclaimed. “I can’t believe it!”
“You are slated to be in Vogue next month,” Helen added. “And I think your boyfriend problems may be over. Tell me, Joe, how do you feel about Samantha?”
Joe’s memories and personality were changing as he contemplated the question. “She’s, she’s everything to me. I remember how hard it was for me to ask…to ask her out. I was so thrilled when she said yes. I hope she never leaves…leaves me,” Joe finished haltingly.
“And Samantha, what do you think about dating this guy?” Helen asked.
“I’m trying to remember how I could have possibly asked you to save this relationship! I could have any guy I want!” Samantha exclaimed “Why was I so desperate to have Joe?”
“Well, he does have his upsides…he certainly is the right kind of guy to help you file your taxes!” Said Helen as she and Samantha giggled.
“Are you going to leave, leave me, Samantha?” Joe asked with trepidation.
“Oh, I probably should,” Samantha replied as she gazed down at her nerdy boyfriend. “But…Maybe I’ll keep you around a little longer. I imagine we could still be dating if you always did the dishes, and cleaned the house, and did every single chore for me…maybe,” she said with a smirk.
“Oh Sam. Thank you thank you,” Joe exclaimed. “I’d do anything for you.”
“That’s more like it,” Samantha remarked, then turned to face Helen. “You certainly run things efficiently here, don’t you?”
“I try my best,” said Helen, “Though I don’t know how many women’s studies/psych majors have as much of a direct impact as I do.”
“You…you can say that again,” Joe remarked, and they all laughed.
“He’s a cheater!” replied Amy. She was very short woman, about 5 feet, with a thin physique and mousey brown hair. “I’ve caught him three times, and I’ve just about had it.”
The psychiatrist, a tall, red haired woman in her mid 30s, gazed down at the man with contempt. “Is this true?” asked Helen with a seething tone.”
“So what if it is?” Grouched Frank, a tall, muscular man with wavy blonde hair. “Aren’t I allowed to sow my wild oats? We not married yet. What of it?”
“Frank, we’re going to be married in three weeks! I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” sobbed Amy, as Frank remained stony faced with indifference.
“Neither can I, Frank. Clearly you haven’t been honoring your commitment to your future wife,” Helen said with disgust.
“Don’t give me all that feminist bullshit, Helen.” Frank spat. “I didn’t even want to be here.”
“And yet, here you are. And please, it’s Dr. Swanson,” Helen said, but she it was clear that Frank wasn’t listening. “Amy, when you scheduled this meeting, I warned you this might happen. We are going to have to go right to the intensive treatment.”
“I don’t want any treatment from you, bitch.” Frank taunted, but Helen’s only reply was a tight lipped smile.
“That’s going to cost him dearly in a minute,” Helen thought to herself. Frank had been right about one thing: Helen was an ardent feminist. He was about to find out just how seriously she took it.
“Both of you, listen to the sound of my voice and relax.” At the sound of Helen’s command, they both immediately slumped in their chairs. Helen smiled – they were totally hers now.
“You will close your eyes, and do what I say,” she began. “Frank, I want you to think about your height. You’re currently about six feet tall, and you like that. You are, quite literally, looked up to by other guys, and your height makes you attractive to lots of women, doesn’t it?”
Frank’s only response was a small nod. “Ok, Frank, imagine feeling all of that height leave your body and enter the body of your fiancé. Inch by inch, I want your body to shrink and Amy’s body to grow. Think of that for me.” As she spoke, she could see the transformation happening before her eyes. Frank was getting shorter and Amy was getting taller. Even their clothes were changing along with them. She had thought about making them the same height, but remembered how Frank and called her a bitch, and transferred even more height.
“Good, Frank. Good. Now Amy, you’ve always had mousy brown hair that you haven’t had much luck with, am I right? Won’t stay the way you’d like it, doesn’t respond well to dyes, especially blonde treatment?” Amy responded with the same dull nod.
“Alright, Frank has a nice head of hair. Blonde, full of body, and wavy…I bet the women he picks up at bars are always asking to touch it and play with it. Doesn’t that make you mad, Amy? Doesn’t it make you angry to think of some young tramp running her fingers through your man’s locks?” Amy nodded again, this time more vigorously.
“Let’s fix that. Frank, let’s give Amy your gorgeous blonde main, and you can have Amy’s plain hair.” The styles and length remained the same, but their hair switched.
“Finally, let’s give Amy just a tad of that muscle tone – Frank, there’s no need for you to look like a tough guy. Being short and a bit weaker looking is just right for a man like you.”
“Now, on the count of three, I’d like you to open your eyes and forget everything I’ve just told you,” Helen instructed. She liked wiping their memories right before she woke them, as it gave her a chance to see that wonderful shocked look on their faces as they witnessed the changes.
“What’s going on? What happened?” Amy said as she suddenly noticed the changes. “On my God…I’m tall! I must be five foot ten!” She pulled out a small pocket mirror. “Wow, with this hair and this body, I could be a model.”
“What the hell is going on?” Frank demanded. “What did you do to us? I don’t like being a short guy,” he pouted.
“Maybe you should have thought of that,” Helen started, “before you treated Amy so badly.”
Frank started to swing a punch at Helen, but Amy reacted quickly and effortlessly batted his arm out of the way.
“Not strong anymore, are you Frank? I’m sure all this tone I’ve got must have come straight from you. Wow, you’re pathetic – you really are! I can’t imagine young tramps are going to be fawning over you now, huh?”
“You people are sick!” Frank cried as he stomped out of room, trying to avoid tears. Amy, on the other hand, was crying tears of joy as she ran into Helens arms to give her a hug.
“Oh, Doctor, it’s everything you promised and more! Thank you so much!”
“I’m always glad to have a satisfied client, Amy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another appointment coming up.
~
“What’s exactly going on here?” Helen asked as she surveyed the pair on the sofa. Peggy and Craig Thompson were brother and sister, and from their crossed arms and scowls, Helen could tell they were furious at each other.
“Craig’s always been a first class jerk to me. When we were little, he’d always sneak into my room and break my dolls. When we were in high school, he’d make fun of me in front of the other kids for my weight. And these days, he humiliates me at family gatherings for the fact that I haven’t been nearly as successful as him,” Peggy explained.
“Hey, it’s not my fault that I’m the VP of a major corporation and you’re a cleaning lady,” Craig bragged. “And it’s certainly not my fault that you can’t keep your paws out of the ice cream carton,” he said as he prodded Peggy’s big belly.
“You got all the genes for the fast metabolism – it’s not fair. You eat just as much as me, maybe more! And I work hard at my job, I deserve some respect,” Peggy demanded.
“Like that’s going to happen. I only came here just to humor Mom. Honestly, if we haven’t gotten along after over 30 years, we just aren’t going to. You’re just going to have to find some way to accept the fact that I’m always going to be better and more successful than you, Piggy.” Craig chided snidely.
“Well, let’s see about that,” Helen began. “I want you to close your eyes and listen to my voice. You’re going to make some changes, some permanent changes to your lives. Craig, I’d like you to think about your life and your lifestyle. You’re a powerful executive with a major corporation. I want you to imagine those attributes transferring to your sister. Peggy, don’t you think you deserve your brother’s success, your brother’s life? I think you do.” Both of them nodded. Their lives altered, as did their clothes. Craig’s pinstripe business suit faded, and was replaced with the stained, worn rags of a janitor. Peggy’s ugly maid’s uniform faded and stretched into a posh looking pantsuit. Her fingers became professionally manicured, her neck received a string of pearls, and diamond earring popped into her lobes.
“Now, let’s change your metabolism. I think Peggy deserves some of those fast metabolizing genes, don’t you?” Peggy started nodding and her dumpy looking, heavy figure shrank and became slimmer. She was still curvy, but now her cellulite was gone and her figure had become a stunning hourglass. Her breasts become firmer and less saggy, and her tummy shrank. Craig’s figure, on the other hand, became much heavier. Even under his work clothes, it was obvious he was getting a bit of a pot belly and some fallen pectorals.
“Awaken, brother and sister, and be surprised at your new lots in life,” Helen commanded, and the two opened their eyes to their new forms.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Craig demanded. Why am I dressed like this? And what did you do to Piggy over here, give her liposuction?”
“Oh, I’d say that nickname fits you better than her now, wouldn’t you say?” Helen asked rhetorically.
“No way!” Craig demanded. “I’m not some fat lazy janitor. I’m the VP of a fortune 500 company. I’m dating an executive secretary named Yvonne! I’m a success!”
“No, not anymore,” Peggy said. “It’s just like Dr. Helen promised. I have your life now, brother…” Peggy said as the new memories started to flood into her mind. “I’m the one with the great looks and the lighting metabolism. I’m the fortune 500 VP. And…” she paused for a moment as a smile overtook her face. “I’m the one dating Yvonne now.”
“My little sister is taking my girlfriend? Fat chance!” Craig sputtered.
“Fat chance indeed, Craig. What would she see in you now? She only dated you for your looks, your money, and your success. Those things belong to me now – as does that blonde little minx. I bet I’ll even make her more satisfied than she ever was with you.”
“That’s my girl,” Helen said as she gave her a high five. “Craig, you’re never going to amount to anything ever again. You’ll be fat, lazy and poor, and you’ll be lucky if you can find any woman to date you. But don’t fret. If you are nice to your sister, maybe she can set you up with Yvonne’s ugly older sister.” Both women laughed. “Now get, both of you. I’ve got one more appointment left before it’s officially the weekend for me.”
~
“So, what’s got the two of you fuming?” Helen asked the young couple.
“He…he…he…wants to leave me,” Samantha stammered. “I just can’t, can’t…let that happen, Doctor,” said the young woman in front of him. She wore an unflattering polka dot dress and thick black glasses.
“We’re through, Sam. Come on. You’re lucky I spent so much time with you in the first place. I only dated you because you offered to do my calculus homework in college. Now that’s done – what good are you to me? I could have any woman I want. Why would I choose out a plain little nerd like you?” Asked Joe, a suave looking young man wearing perfectly coifed hair and a designer suit.
“You…you see? Please do something,” Samantha sobbed. “He’s the only one that would ever love…love me. He can’t leave.”
“Very well. I think we can fix this situation,” Helen began. “Close your eyes, both of you. Listen to what I say. Joe, you’ve spent a lot of time on your looks, is that right? I think Samantha told me on the phone you’ve even worked as a model for men’s suits. I’d like all of that fashion sense and focus to shift over to Samantha. All of your confidence and poise should belong to her. You can take her insecurities, her focuses…and her stammer.” Both of them started nodding, and Joe’s suit changed into corduroy pants and suspenders, while Samantha’s plain dress changed into a blue gown and her hair billowed over her shoulders.
“Now, forget what I’ve told you and open your eyes,” said Helen.
“What…what have you done?” Joe asked, with Samantha’s verbal tic.
“Just re-arranged some things,” Helen said knowingly.
“Wow! Look at these clothes!” Samantha exclaimed. “I can’t believe it!”
“You are slated to be in Vogue next month,” Helen added. “And I think your boyfriend problems may be over. Tell me, Joe, how do you feel about Samantha?”
Joe’s memories and personality were changing as he contemplated the question. “She’s, she’s everything to me. I remember how hard it was for me to ask…to ask her out. I was so thrilled when she said yes. I hope she never leaves…leaves me,” Joe finished haltingly.
“And Samantha, what do you think about dating this guy?” Helen asked.
“I’m trying to remember how I could have possibly asked you to save this relationship! I could have any guy I want!” Samantha exclaimed “Why was I so desperate to have Joe?”
“Well, he does have his upsides…he certainly is the right kind of guy to help you file your taxes!” Said Helen as she and Samantha giggled.
“Are you going to leave, leave me, Samantha?” Joe asked with trepidation.
“Oh, I probably should,” Samantha replied as she gazed down at her nerdy boyfriend. “But…Maybe I’ll keep you around a little longer. I imagine we could still be dating if you always did the dishes, and cleaned the house, and did every single chore for me…maybe,” she said with a smirk.
“Oh Sam. Thank you thank you,” Joe exclaimed. “I’d do anything for you.”
“That’s more like it,” Samantha remarked, then turned to face Helen. “You certainly run things efficiently here, don’t you?”
“I try my best,” said Helen, “Though I don’t know how many women’s studies/psych majors have as much of a direct impact as I do.”
“You…you can say that again,” Joe remarked, and they all laughed.